wtf?!

so whats word? where have ya'll been? i feel like we havent talked in a while. well i can't begin to explain what i've been going through lately and its hard enough for me to even sit here at 5:41am and write this. to be honest with ya'll i havent been myself lately and i've been having a hard time making it through this winter. a lot of shit has gone down (most of it still feels up in the air). i'd like to explain my situation but i'm not sure i even know what it is yet. what i can say is that i've somehow lost my creative edge and drive to even wake up in the mornings. lets be real, i'm not "old" but i feel like my time has past. thats fucked up to say but thats how i've been feeling lately. i've been rapping for over a decade now, i've seen a lot of shit go down; the death of my favorite artists, the abandonment of some of my closest friends and family, the feeling of victory and the agony of defeat. the highs were addicting and the lows were heartbreaking but i continued walking forward. after years of struggling to make a career out of the only thing i ever know, after seeing people come up after me, pass me, i've somehow reached a dead-end. i'm not sure i'll be able to muster up enough strength to turn around and try to find out where i took the wrong turn. i'm not afraid to say that i've spent the last few nights buggin' the fuck out, sitting in front of my computer playing instrumentals and trying to write some new material. i'm not sure if its the 50+ hours of work i've been putting in every week, followed by the bullshit i deal with, and topped off with fluxuating sleep patterns, but whatever it is, its killing me. what makes it worse is that even through all this bullshit i still have these moments in my day where i get thoughts of finally reaching my goals and being looked at as a creative icon; someone who helped pave the way for a different style of hip hop... but then again, who am i to think i can help spin the earth? i've never been the one to sit back and enjoy the ride so i'm having a hard time getting out of the drivers seat (even though i may have not even been driving this whole time). some people (friends especially) are going to read this and try to explain what went wrong or try to say something to encourage or discourage me but save it. if you know me by now, you can't tell me nothing. i've tried it all, i've read books, heard seminars, listened to people who've made it, analyzed people who havent. i've made the best decision i could and some how it has lead me here. all i can do is fall back and live and let die. does this mean the end of my music career or the birth of a new sound? idk. idk if i ever had a "music career" to begin with. right now i feel like i can't even figure out what to have for lunch or what sox to wear let alone what i'm going to do with myself. its hard to live your life like your racing the clock and every step counts. i'm tired, i'm discouraged and i'm losing hope. the only thing that seems right is hitting up Sears, boosting paint and running spots for the weekend. career artist? two words i've been trying to put together my whole life.






-buGS
sell art, not your soul